If you have a mentor, hold them tight and thank them for everything they have done. You are one of the lucky ones.
I’ve spent too much of my career hoping to be one of the lucky ones.
I blame Joseph Campbell and his Hero’s Journey for planting the idea: someone who would guide me, offer me tools and knowledge, and encourage me during my journey. I’ve even accepted jobs that were not the right choice because I thought I would be working with someone who might eventually become that person.
I’ve now learned that the odds are not in my favor, and finding a mentor is probably not where I should be putting all my energy.
To begin with, a mentor needs to be someone who actually has something to teach you.
An impressive title or background doesn’t guarantee that. You never know why someone has a title or a large bank account. Maybe they got lucky. Maybe they were at the right place at the right time. Or maybe they won the womb lottery. Just because someone has the outward trappings of success doesn’t mean they have something of substance to share.
I once went to an interview. Last round, with the CFO. And I found myself falling for my same trappings. This woman seemed impressive: Ivy League education, amazing company logos on her LinkedIn profile.
Even though I would not be reporting directly to her, I started imagining a world where I might learn something from this accomplished professional, even from a distance.
What a disappointment.
She was rude and aggressive the entire interview. A 45-minute humiliation ritual. She questioned my qualifications and belittled my experience. If you can’t treat people decently, especially those who might be below you on the org chart, you have nothing to teach me.
Secondly, even if you meet someone with real accomplishments and knowledge to share, that person also needs to have spent time looking back on what they’ve done. What worked. How they got there. What lessons they carried forward. Most people haven’t.
Most people spend every day jumping from fire to fire without ever tracing back how they got from point A to point B.
I was at a webinar recently and one of the panelists said that wisdom is “metabolized life experience.” Highlight on the metabolized part.
You could have achieved greatness, but if you have not sat and mulled it over, you end up with advice that is little more than: work hard. Working hard is table stakes.
I need more wisdom, please.
And finally, even if you find someone with the knowledge and self-awareness, they also have to be willing and able to spend the time sharing it with you.
I once accepted a job primarily to work under a Controller who was everything I wanted to be. Sophisticated, smart, and capable.
During my time working with her, we had exactly two one-on-ones: one on the day I started, and one on the day I gave her my notice.
She was surprised by my departure and asked why I hadn’t reached out sooner. I reminded her of all the meetings I had put on her calendar over the past couple of months that she had rescheduled and eventually cancelled.
I know this sounds negative on mentorship. It’s not. The idea of a mentor is amazing. The reality is just rare.
What I’m optimistic about is self-mentorship.
If you can’t find someone to guide you, guide yourself. We live in a world with more access to knowledge than any generation before us. Any technical or soft skill you want to develop is a book, a podcast, a class, a video, or a micro-credential away. Career coaching, interview preparation, resume writing. The resources exist.
But self-mentorship is more than a reading list. It’s the habit of looking at your own career the way a mentor would. Asking yourself the hard questions. What am I learning here? What should I do differently? Where am I headed, and is it where I want to go? It’s doing the metabolizing that you wish someone else would help you with.
I decided I can be my own mentor. Not because I don’t want guidance, but because waiting for it cost me years.
Real Thoughts 